The first time I passed by the newborn ICU on the way to visit my wife and healthy baby boy, I noticed a burly man sitting on a small bench, head in hands. When he looked up and caught my gaze, his tortured eyes told me all I needed to know; his child was in intensive care fighting for his or her life.
When my daughter was born without any issues, I had been fortunate enough to avoid this wing of the maternity ward. However, my son was born via cesarean section, and this hospital was setup in such a way that I had to walk past the infant ICU to visit my wife’s post operation room.
I continued this routine for several days, doing my best to avoid eye contact with any new dads I saw pacing around outside the ICU. To be frank, I couldn’t bring myself to look at them, as I felt this overwhelming guilt that my son was healthy, and I had avoided such soul twisting torment.
On the day my wife was released from the hospital, I again passed by the father I had seen the first day. He was sobbing uncontrollably with his fists clenched so tight that his fingers had turned ashen. I felt tears starting to well up in my eyes, and reactively touched his shoulder and told him to “hang in there”, unaware if his child was even still alive.
He nodded his head gently and I went quietly on my way, fearing my presence would upset him further.
I never saw the man again, and even though it’s been almost a decade since that heart wrenching moment, I often reflect on what the fate of his baby was. Is he now a good dad to the child he wept for, or is this only a painful dream of what can never be?
So often in life, we feel great empathy for others in horrific situations, but can’t help ourselves from secretly feeling relief that it isn’t us going through such an ordeal. That doesn’t make us terrible people, it just means we are human.
No one in their right mind wants to suffer, but in this instance, I was able to use the agony of another, to help make myself a better father.
Does that make me some kind of diabolical individual for using his possible tragedy to my benefit?
No!
Please allow me to explain.
One universal thing that all good fathers share is how we perceive our children. Every loving dad, no matter what culture or faith he comes from, understands that the life of his child is a gift. This realization helps to forge an eternal and selfless love for your child that can never be broken.
All the best fathers I have known share this unique view, and it becomes the driving force for our identity when we enter fatherhood.
Unfortunately, a crap father sees a different side of the coin, and believes his child is a burden. He views his son or daughter as an obstacle in his way, preventing his self-absorbed lifestyle.
The difficult part of being a good dad, is that even though you deeply love your child, you can momentarily slip into a crap dad persona on your bad days.
These are the days that I recall the father’s agony at the ICU as a warning that whatever my kids have done, the situation could always be worse. Ultimately, what matters is that they are alive and healthy, even if they are annoying the living hell out of me at that moment!
The kind of man I am when my children are frustrating me, patient but stern, or angry and out of control, truly defines what kind of father I am.
You must understand that the one mistake all new fathers can’t make, is to never, even for a moment, take your child’s life for granted.
Every loving dad, no matter what culture or faith he comes from, understands that the life of his child is a gift.
As a new father, you may not truly understand these words until your child gets older and tests your patience beyond measure. I can promise you that there will be countless days ahead when you may briefly forget just how much you love your child.
During this momentary lapse of reason, you will be much more prone to losing control of your temper and doing something regrettable. However, you can counter this unstable emotional state by reminding yourself in that moment how much worse your life would be without your child.
Now let’s be straight here, if you are an emotional guy with a temper, it just feels better to let that inner monster out, then pick up the pieces later.
That’s exactly who I was before I became a father, but you no longer have that luxury when you have children. A good father can’t be a raging bull, as it not only puts your child at risk, but you will also be a role model that your child emulates.
Simply put, if you don’t control yourself, not only will you be in danger of abusing and screaming at your child, but he may also grow up to be a lunatic just like his pyscho pop.
Defusing my temper was my absolute biggest hurdle to overcome when I became a dad, bar none. Therefore, I come from a place of great experience when I tell you that having an explosive personality isn’t a good excuse for not controlling yourself around your child.
It can be done, but you must be willing to change and find that emotional imagery that calms and reminds you not to take your child’s life for granted, no matter how angry you are at her.
There is a delicate art to manifesting this type of positive mental reinforcement when you are on the razor’s edge of anger, but it’s even more difficult to step back onto that ledge once you fly off the handle. The biggest key to help prevent you from going off into Krazytown, is to foreshadow the consequences of your actions in real time.
Developing the foresight to understand what may happen if you lose control with your child, is an essential skill all good dads possess.
Remember, whatever you child has done to anger you, should never supersede your love for him. A good father can dole out discipline and get his message across, without making his child fear and hate him. Don’t ever fall into the trap of taking the precious gift of your child’s life for granted. Live in the moment and always be mindful that you are never promised another day with her!
