Every new father must stare down these four potential problems when his baby is born! Discover what they are and how to empower yourself to become a better father.
“Why the hell did I do this to myself?”
I had been a new father for roughly a month, and this was the precise moment I was ready to throw in the towel!
It was 3 A.M. and I was pacing the floor burping my newborn when she began to puke, but I didn’t see the kitchen table in my panicked sprint to the bathroom. I invented a few new curse words as I smashed my foot into one of the hard wooden legs, then felt the vomit rolling down my chest.
The walls of fatherhood were closing in on me, and I angrily turned to my imaginary new friend to declare that I was done being a dad.
DONE!
I was sleep deprived, delusional, sexually frustrated, and now smelled like baby puke!
The thought of doing this dad thing for the rest of my life had me feeling so overwhelmed in that moment, that I wanted to go on the lam and start a new baby free life.
I was used to the way things had been, having the freedom to do what I wanted with my wife, whenever the hell we felt like it!
We used to sleep in on weekends and cuddle up together, go out for dinner, hit the nightclubs, and you know, have sex!
Even the simple activities we used to enjoy, like hiking, we no longer had time for.
I couldn’t even play hockey anymore, my biggest passion – it was just yanked away from me.
Almost every new father has a moment or three like this after your baby comes along. In fact, feeling sorry for yourself is an inevitable rite of passage that baptizes all guys into fatherhood.
The reality is, having a baby is a massive change that will upend your life. There is no beating around that bush.
Fortunately, things get better over time and becoming a father will likely be the best thing that ever happens to you, I promise!
However, to help you prepare you for the pitfalls most new dads run into, let’s go over several of the most common things you may struggle with.
New fathers can feel trapped
Losing your freedom when your newborn comes along is going to be your biggest hurdle to overcome.
I can’t sugarcoat this and pretend it will be easy on you mentally, because the simple truth is, it’s extremely hard in the beginning to adapt to this new lifestyle.
My wife and I were once friends with a couple that had a baby several months after us. The guy though, couldn’t grow up and leave his old life behind. He refused to give up his nightlife and got angry that he could no longer go clubbing.
Things finally reached a boiling point when he cheated on his wife, and they divorced shortly after she discovered his infidelity.
Let me be straight with you – having a baby means shifting your mind away from selfish behaviors and manning up to your responsibilities.
You won’t be the first guy that feels trapped by fatherhood in the beginning, but the best dads are the ones who embrace their new life and understand it’s a process back to normality.
Sex being put on the backburner
I think you know where I’m going here, but giving up sex with my wife until she was ready again, was hard as hell.
I’m talking about Crying Game hard.
My wife and I had a great sex life even though most of her pregnancy, then our obstetrician told us “no sex” when my wife developed a low-lying placenta.
I was in a lonely ass boat for months on end until my wife was physically and emotionally ready to resume having intercourse.
Worst of all when we tried to get our groove back on, things felt really awkward between us after so much time without being intimate.
Thankfully we got through this stage by using humor and over time our sex life got back to normal again.
Each pregnancy is unique, and how lucky (or not) you will get depends on the roll of a dice.
Perhaps you will only have a couple months dry spell with your partner after she gives birth, or pregnancy/birth complications will mean putting your love life on the shelf for much longer.
No matter which way the dice lands, you must be mentally prepared for sex to be taken out of the equation for a period of time.
This is again, another case where you have to suck it up and think about the big picture.
Your partner is pulling off an incredible feat carrying around your baby and giving birth. Don’t ever guilt her into having sex with you when she’s not up to it.
I can assure you that this type of foolish behavior will lead to feelings of animosity and make your wife or girlfriend resent you!
Lack of sleep
New parents on average, only sleep for 4-5 hours a day, for the first several months. In fact, studies show sleep deprivation for parents is an ongoing issue.
However, I can tell you from first-hand knowledge, the first 2-3 months is going to test your sanity.
Shortly after my daughter was born, I was so damn tired that I would literally fall asleep whenever I sat down.
I was having an insane amount of blackouts whenever I wasn’t standing and I would just nod off randomly like my great grandfather used to do.
Then I would violently snap awake and have no clue who or where I was!
Not only did this lack of sleep turn me into a walking zombie, but it made me more prone to feeling depressed and being short on patience with my wife. However, snapping at her just made things worse, and I had to learn to control my tongue.
Remember, to survive this whole baby thing, you must be a great teammate with your wife or girlfriend. Raising a baby takes a tag team effort between the two of you, and she can be your greatest ally during this time, or your biggest enemy!
Is there any way to combat sleep deprivation?
You are going to lose sleep, no matter what strategies you and your partner use, but my wife and I found a few tricks that worked best for us, including:
- Baby shifts – as I had taken time off, my wife and I were able to manage night shifts together for the first few weeks. One night I would stay up with our newborn and feed her breastmilk my wife had pumped, while my wife slept for 6-7 hours. Then the next night we switched turns.
- Prioritize naps – far too many new parents try to be supermom and superdad, but that will just leave you tired and miserable. There is an opportunity cost when you try to do house chores or other tasks in lieu of taking a nap. Your first rule should always be to nap when you baby does!
- Ask for help – if you have family nearby, don’t be afraid to ask them to come over and help with your baby while you and your partner take a nap.
- Lose the phone – we all take our phones with us to bed and read, but if you do this after having a baby, it will add up to countless hours of needed sleep. So, ditch the phone and hit your bed solo!
Sleep deprivation is going to be a huge obstacle when you have a baby, but by getting creative, it will help you steal back a dozen extra hours of sleep a week, which all adds up to a less zombified you!
Learning to care for your baby
Unless you worked in a daycare or had much younger siblings, very few guys will have a damn clue about how to care for a baby.
“I have to clean his nasty looking umbilical stump, what the hell?”
“Dude, I have no idea how to swaddle my baby, get real!”
“The diaper goes…. which way again?”
Trust me, you won’t be the first new dad to have these types of worries.
You won’t be the first guy that feels trapped by fatherhood in the beginning, but the best dads are the ones who embrace their new life and understand it’s a process back to normality.
During the first week after my daughter was born, I had myself convinced that I was going to drop her or do something that lead to her demise. In fact, I thought about reporting myself to the cops before I did something dumb!
Of course, I was right to a degree, because I did blow it – frequently.
I put diapers on wrong.
Overfed my daughter and got puked on.
Couldn’t swaddle all that well.
Forgot to feed her sometimes!
But she survived and has become a great kid, despite the mountain of mistakes I have made along the way.
I wasn’t perfect, but I figured things out as best I could.
All it took was a little self-confidence and a willingness to learn, but most of all, me just being present and involved in my daughter’s care.
That’s really all you will need as well, and accepting the fact you will mess up constantly, but have a sense of humor about things and learn from your mistakes!
Fatherhood is all about overcoming your struggles
As you grow into your role as a father, you will discover that the things you had to overcome when your baby was born, are almost trivial compared to what lies ahead.
However, the best dads learn and grow right along with their child.
There is no way I could have handled the responsibilities and decisions I have to make for my children now, a dozen years ago.
However, as each year passes, I have become more confident and developed the kind of wisdom only bestowed up a man through the experiences of fatherhood.
I have no doubt this will happen to you as well, but you must fight to overcome all the obstacles in your way on the path to becoming a great dad!
