The secret to developing a trusting relationship with your child, is all about how you handle the awkward questions she asks.
My father spit his coffee all over the kitchen table and glared at me in stunned silence…
Moments earlier my dad was trying to enjoy his early morning routine, but what I believed was an innocent question, ended up transforming my world.
Before I reveal the question that stunned my father, we need to jump back to the previous afternoon when my buddy cracked a joke at the lunch table:
“Hey morons,” he said with a sly smile, “I was at Kmart yesterday and they were giving away free blow jobs in aisle nine!”
Then he imitated a loudspeaker, “we need another clean up in aisle nine, please!”
All my friends broke out in laughter, but I had no clue what the hell the joke meant!
I was only eleven years old at the time and didn’t want to seem like a dorkburger, so I played along like I knew what the inside joke was.
Now the early 90s were a simpler time, so I couldn’t exactly go and Google what a BJ was.
In fact, I had no clue it was even something sexual, but I was curious why my friends were laughing so hard.
As you can imagine, my dad sent his coffee flying when I innocently asked him what a BJ was.
I think it’s a safe assumption he wasn’t expecting that kind of question!
To my father’s credit, he did explain that it was when a woman sucked on a man’s penis.
I was initially shocked as hell when my father told me that, but I started to laugh and finally got the joke!
Then I asked my dad why it wasn’t called a “suckjob” and he told me he wasn’t sure as he made a fast excuse to leave the room.
While my dad wasn’t the parent I went to about awkward topics, my mother was my childhood version of Google I could always rely on.
Nothing was off limits with my mom, and I knew I could ask her anything and not only get an answer, but not be judged for asking weird shit.
This openness helped build an unbreakable bond of trust between my mother and I, one that held firm until her death shortly after my daughter’s birth.
As a new father, I wanted a similar relationship with my daughter, and promised myself I would always be an open book with whatever she asked.
However, it wasn’t as easy as I imagined it would be, at least not at first.
Your hang ups can be a great obstacle to earning your child’s trust
I have gotten some real doozies over the years from my daughter, the kind of questions I had to really pause on before I answered them.
Like the time she asked me if my wife and I still had sex!
That was a real fun one, but not even in the top ten of the most embarrassing things she has asked me!
However, in almost every case, I have found a way to put any shameful feelings aside and answer her questions.
I’m not going to lie though; my initial transition into being a chill dad who will answer any question, was about as smooth as broken glass.
I’ll never forget the first truly awkward question my daughter asked me when she was around ten years old:
“Dad, what happens when I get my period?”
Dude, I was not ready for this question… at all!
I was also stuck in the truck with my daughter all by myself!
My survival instincts kicked in and I tried to pretend the radio was too loud to hear her, then asked if Taylor Swift had any new songs out.
“Stop dad!”
She was on to me!
Now I was trapped and desperately wanted a way out… I didn’t want to talk about this stuff with anyone, let alone my daughter!
I tried to find the right words…
“Well doll, when you start having your period, you will shed your eggs once a month…”
‘Eggs? What! Ewww…” she screeched back.
There was little doubt left, I was now in hell and had to climb my way out of it!
The inquisitive nature of a child is how they learn about the world.
I kept myself calm and imagined I was a teacher in health class and continued trying to explain what little I knew about periods until my daughter was satisfied.
She was a little freaked out after my explanation, but I had been honest with her that I didn’t exactly know a whole lot about periods.
This ordeal certainly humbled me, but I learned two important things from the experience.
- Talking to my daughter about awkward subjects was possible
- I didn’t have to pretend to be an expert about everything
In a way, it was quite a liberating experience, and each awkward/sexual question she had afterwards, became easier to discuss with her.
Practice makes perfect, right?
The irony is, I thought for sure with how my mother was so open with me, that I would naturally be like her when I became a parent.
Nope.
I did feel better when I discovered that other fathers I know have also experienced the same type of anxiety answering awkward questions.
It’s basically a universal thing all dads must confront at some point!
It won’t always be easy, but it will be well worth putting any awkwardness aside to be your child’s trusted source of information.
The last thing you want is your kid learning about the birds and the bees from their friends and other knuckleheads they encounter.
You wouldn’t believe some of the bizarre things other kids have told my daughter!
Fortunately, she is comfortable coming to me and making sure the things she is being told by others are accurate or not.
When should I avoid answering awkward questions?
As a father, you will want to be truthful with your child as much as possible, but there will be times your kid asks a question, and the truth may hurt her.
For instance, my daughter has asked me several times if I think she is a good enough hockey player to make the NHL one day.
Considering less than 1% of players ever make it that far, and no woman has broken into the league yet, this is an extremely awkward question for me to answer.
I try to be ambiguous and tell her I don’t really know, because telling her the truth would crush my daughter’s dreams.
To be honest, I don’t know if I am making a mistake in doing this, but as a father you have to trust your instincts and hope for the best.
As for a younger child asking sexual questions, this is another gut call you must make.
Once my daughter asked where babies came from when she was five or six, I explained how babies grow inside of a “mommy”, but I didn’t feel she was ready to understand how a man and woman make a baby.
As my daughter entered her pre-teen years, I was much more comfortable explaining everything about baby making, including sexual intercourse.
In fact, when my daughter was eleven or twelve, I was quite honest about a lot of her sexual questions but asked her not to reveal the contents of these discussions with her friends.
Many of her friends’ parents were quite conservative and I wanted to be ultra-careful in respecting their values.
Ultimately, you have to make your own calls based on your comfort levels and what you feel is age appropriate for your child.
A child’s trust is earned one question at a time
As a new father, you will be bombarded with an avalanche of questions once your child learns to speak.
The inquisitive nature of a child is how they learn about the world, always remember that.
When your child is younger, you will mostly get off easy with her questions, but it’s an inescapable reality that the tougher questions will eventually come.
Not only will you have to face her sexual questions, but racial and political ones as well.
Then there are the questions you never saw coming, like the day my daughter asked how she could help a suicidal friend.
Things get serious quickly when you child hits her pre-teen years and beyond.
Despite the easy access to the omnipresent Google, I am proud that my daughter always comes to me when she has difficult questions.
This is because the unbreakable trust we have built over the years, was done one challenging question at a time!
You will discover the same as I have, that building this foundation of trust takes an imperfect mix of love, patience and wisdom!
