Baby puke, dirty diapers and a crying newborn can kill intimacy between a loving couple. Use these foolproof tips to help keep the postpartum spark alive between you and your partner!
“Want to know how you spot a new dad in a crowd?”
“Find the guy with bloodshot eyes and the thousand-yard stare!”
As I stared knowingly at my uncle and cracked a smile at his corny joke, I instantly regretted telling him I’d be a father soon.
At the time, I got the context of the joke, but it wasn’t until my daughter was finally born that I fully understood the truth behind the humor.
As a new father, I became more zombie than human in the first few months of my daughter’s life.
I also developed a temperamental late-night relationship with a spider named Clyde.
I’m not sure if Clyde was even real, but he got me through some rough times when I was up until the crack of dawn.
Other times, I didn’t quite care for his condescending tone and gave him the silent treatment!
I also had my really desperate moments when I put my head in a freezer to wake myself up (don’t knock it ‘til you try it my man!).
The harsh reality is, all the stories you hear about losing sleep when your child is born, are bang on accurate.
There will be days you might only pull a few hours of sleep and must walk between real life and the dream world (which is why I highly recommend taking paternity leave from work if you can!).
In fact, my cousin just had a baby and when I saw him at our local Costco the other day, he looked like the waking dead… hair and clothes disheveled, walking around aimlessly trying to figure out what aisle the diapers were in.
I asked my cousin how he was handling fatherhood and he looked me dead in the eye and mumbled:
“Dude, I’m pretty sure my son is trying to kill me and I’m so tired I can’t feel my face!”
I offered him some comforting advice and pointed him in the right direction to complete his holy diaper quest.
As my cousin slowly shuffled away, I tried not to laugh, because I had been in his shoes once and knew the struggle was real.
Why new dads must learn to juggle the old with the new
It’s well known that many new mothers feel pressure to be perfect right out of the gate, but this is also a big issue for new dads as well.
Most guys I know wanted to get the whole father thing right as soon as their babies were born, but fatherhood doesn’t quite work that way.
Just like taking a new job, you have to learn the ropes, gain experience, and work your way up.
If you put in the effort and become a loving and involved father, each year you will level up and become a better version of yourself!
However, when your baby is born, it will be a struggle to manage your new life and learn to care for your child.
Complicating matters is that you must now juggle your new baby duties with trying to make your partner feel loved and appreciated.
This can be a rocky time for many couples, as it can sometimes feel like your baby is coming between the two of you.
I will confess that there were days I started to feel jealous of my daughter after she was born.
My wife was always very affectionate with me but once we had a baby, she pretty much flipped the off switch.
All the attention I used to get from my wife, was now going to my daughter.
The only way my wife touched me then was accidentally brushing against my arm as she reached for a diaper!
Now, I’m not going to pretend these were easy times, but I never became bitter over it and always kept perspective that this wasn’t about me – it was about our daughter.
By the same token, I was always exhausted and wasn’t exactly showing my wife much tenderness either.
I was living in a world of baby puke and soiled diapers, just trying to survive through each day.
We eventually got our groove on again, but it took several months before we rediscovered our love life and affection for one another.
Once my son was born two years later, I was determined to keep the passion alive in our relationship.
The postpartum roadmap to staying close with your partner
I won’t pretend that I became some type of relationship guru after my son was born, but I did a much better job of showing my wife that I loved her.
The key here is awareness.
Even though we had to wait to have sex until months later, my words and the power of touch played a big role in keeping our passion for each other alive!
When my daughter was born, I just wanted to survive the experience, but our second go around with having a baby made me more enlightened about everything.
This was most especially true with how I nurtured my relationship with my wife.
Here are some of the strategies I focused on to make sure she knew that our relationship was a big priority in my life:
More touching – nothing makes a woman feel more desired than being touched.
This is why I made it a daily goal to give my wife plenty of hugs and kisses throughout the day.
At night I made a habit of spooning with her when we had a moment alone and would stroke all the contours of her body with my fingertips.
If we were in the car, I would place my hand on her leg and smile or gently stroke her arm.
Other times I would walk up behind her and kiss the back of her neck or give her a playful tap on the ass.
Basically, I did whatever it took to physically show my wife that I still found her desirable!
The power of words – there is little doubt that the right words can be a major aphrodisiac for women. This is why I constantly told my wife she looked like a smoke show, or pointed out how sexy she looked in a pair of shorts, etc.
Other times I would slide behind her and whisper something naughty in her ear, then gave it a little nibble.
Even though we had to wait to have sex until months later, my words and the power of touch played a big role in keeping our passion for each other alive!
Show her appreciation – I was so grateful to have my wife helping me with our baby, that even after our daughter was born, I was always sure to let her know how appreciative I was. Not only for sharing in baby duties but carrying our baby for nine months and giving birth.
Get your partner flowers, write her little notes of appreciation, and look her deep in the eyes and say “thank you” as much as you can.
Believe me, this will go a long way with your partner, and she needs to hear these things, especially during this time!
Ultimately, there are countless ways you can show your partner that you love her after your newborn comes along. The point is, you must be aware that having a baby can cause a wedge between you and your partner if you aren’t careful.
You must put in the extra effort to keep your relationship strong, even when you feel exhausted and have had it with the whole dad thing.
Taking your partner for granted is a big mistake most new dads make, but you don’t have to go down that path like I once did.
Basically what I’m telling you is – don’t be a dumb ass!
