All first time dads worry about bonding with their newborns. However, there is an obvious reason why this process may take longer than you hope for!
When I saw her for the first time, I was not ready for the horror that laid in front of me!
I looked over at one of the maternity nurses, almost afraid to ask if that was my daughter lying there.
It would have been a dumb ass question anyway because my wife had just given birth to this baby, so I had enough common sense to keep my mouth zipped.
I was only comforted by the idea that the nurses mixed my daughter up with some alien goth baby…. that had to be what happened here!
Her skin was an odd hue of red with blotches everywhere and her head was shaped like a traffic cone, but most disturbing of all was the hideous black fingernails.
Then I looked closer and holy hell! Her toenails were also black!
My wife had just given birth to Elvira, Princess of the Dark!
I had to escape this scene and walked out of the maternity room in a daze, desperate to catch my breath.
For months I had been waiting with nervous anticipation to meet my daughter for the first time, spending my days musing about what she would look like.
It was hard to believe that there was a living being… a real human… living inside my wife’s growing belly.
During the pregnancy, I delighted in placing bottle caps on my wife’s stomach so my daughter could kick them in the air from inside the womb!
This little trick was unbelievably cool and made it real for me that she was truly inside there, growing and getting ready to meet the world.
Now here I was on the big day, aimlessly wandering the bustling floors of the hospital in a state of disbelief.
I was struggling to form coherent thoughts, and my emotions kept switching between fear and relief that my daughter’s birth was finally over.
Ultimately, I was grappling with the idea that it wasn’t really the disgusting black toenails that scared me, it was her!
Seeing my daughter outside of the womb put the kind of fear into me that I had never experienced before.
I had helped create this freaky looking little human and I was now responsible for her, but I didn’t even know her.
By the time I returned to a now tranquil maternity room, I was distressed that I felt nothing towards my daughter, and she was quite simply a stranger to me.
Bonding with your baby is a process
When you are a first-time father, you become wide eyed and generally lack the wisdom of a more experienced dad.
This is just the process of fatherhood.
My lack of insight caused me to panic when I didn’t find insta-love for my daughter.
However, having the foresight of a veteran father now, it’s comical how I was so concerned about not bonding with my daughter right after her birth.
The truth of the matter is, I didn’t know jack about her, and those initial feelings I had were spot on.
It’s silly to believe that a father will instantly bond with his newborn, because a unique relationship like this takes time to cultivate.
It must be nurtured slowly, much like the loving relationship I have with my wife. Yes, I was attracted to her beauty, but it took many months of getting to know my wife before I started to fall in love with who she was.
That’s just how a relationship evolves naturally!
It’s almost impossible to feel a deep affection for someone you don’t really know all that well.
How do I bond with my baby?
The first step towards bonding with your newborn is simple – become an involved father from day one!
If you aren’t involved with caring for your child and making important decisions for her, how do you ever expect to form a strong bond?
Please keep in mind that not only does your newborn rely on you for her basics needs, but it’s critical that you show her affection as well.
Babies need to be held, played with and spoken to in a tender and loving way.
Your voice and most especially your touch will help release chemicals in your baby’s brain that will help her thrive.
On the flipside, your baby’s charm, such as her laughter and smile will flip the paternal instincts on inside of your brain.
It’s called nature and that’s how the human race has survived for so long!
Sadly, children who weren’t held and nurtured as infants have suffered devastating consequences as detailed by David A. Wolfe, PhD, a psychologist at the University of Toronto:
The list of problems that stem from neglect reads like the index of the DSM: poor impulse control, social withdrawal, problems with coping and regulating emotions, low self-esteem, pathological behaviors such as tics, tantrums, stealing and self-punishment, poor intellectual functioning and low academic achievement.
“Across the board, these are kids who have severe problems throughout their lifetime,” says Wolfe.
This is why it’s so important that you go beyond the basics of caring for your baby.
Do as much skin to skin contact as possible, hold her, caress her face, and even sing to her.
There is no such thing as showing too much affection for your baby!
Your relationship as your child grows
The baby chapter of your child’s life is one of the most important phases for her development, but it will also go by in the blink of an eye!
Building a loving relationship with your kid takes years to nurture and is a never-ending process.
You will need a delicate hand to build her faith in you, but a good father must also teach accountability and discipline.
At times, it will feel like the balance between building trust with your child and doling out punishments puts your relationship at odds, but always remember your son or daughter craves your love.
Even when your child is upset for being disciplined, the hate your child may profess for you out of momentary anger is nothing but noise.
Your child’s love will quickly return if you are fair with her and disciplined enough not to say anything hurtful back when she flips her lid.
This is why patience and understanding are essential to being a good father.
While I was an involved father from the very beginning with my daughter, the deep bond we share today was forged not only on love and patience, but my willingness to be open with her about everything.
As my daughter grew out of her toddler years and pushed ahead into the tumultuous pre-teen phase, I continued to build a bond of trust with her based on mutual respect.
However, trying to juggle being my daughter’s friend and her father hasn’t been easy, but as I detailed here, it is doable.
In a nutshell, I always remember that I am her father first, and must hold my daughter accountable when she gets in trouble or acts out of line.
My willingness to punish her hasn’t stopped us from being close and my daughter knows she can ask me just about anything, and I will be perfectly honest.
If it is an unflattering thing about myself or my past, I won’t shy away from telling her. Even when she makes me squirm with sexual questions, I help educate her on what she is curious about.
Keeping the door of communication open with my daughter allows me to stay involved in her life and be a confidant she can always rely on.
This is my own unique way that I have found to bond with her, but there is more than one way to skin a cat.
No matter what approach you take towards fatherhood, the bond you share with your child will be constantly evolving. However, it’s important to understand that she won’t just worship some guy because it’s her father.
Billons of men have had kids, but getting someone pregnant doesn’t make you a real father.
Shitty dads ramble on about deserving the love and respect of their children, without ever returning the favor.
I’ve known many dads like this throughout my life, and it’s a one-way ticket to making your child despise you.
Ultimately, only loving and involved dads who see fatherhood as a gift are adored by their children!
