Discover five important lessons that will help you overcome the fear of being a bad dad.
“I was a son of a bitch as a father and husband!”
These words unexpectedly came from my dad just the other day, and unfortunately, I couldn’t tell him he was wrong.
The best I could do was to offer him comfort in the idea that he learned from his mistakes and had become a wonderful grandfather to my kids.
However, he has never been able to move on from my mother’s death and her refusal to forgive him for his reign of terror over my family.
My mother passed in 2012, and on her deathbed, this wonderful woman couldn’t find it in her heart to forgive my father for how he treated my brother and me.
She was too angry about the violence and fear he brought into our lives, and without mincing words, she despised him as she left this world.
I had forgiven my father several years before my mother’s death, but her refusal to absolve my father of his sins against us opened some old wounds.
Not only was I dealing with the death of my mother, who was the rock in my life, and trying to find my way as a new father without her guidance, I was now angry with my father again.
Watching my kindly mother suffer through cancer and leave this world with so much anger in her heart towards my father, felt almost unforgivable at the time.
Most unsettling of all, was my fear that I would turn into my father and become a monster that terrified my children.
I promised my mother I would break this chain of abuse and violence when I had children, but after her passing, self-doubts started to creep in.
She would no longer be around to offer me counsel and support, which scared the living hell out of me!
As a teen, I had been quite angry and prone to quick violence, and while I went to counseling to learn how to control my rage, I was terrified my hair trigger temper would reappear when I was tested as a father.
Fortunately, my determination to be a good father and beat my inner demons prevailed, despite the anxiety I had about my mental baggage.
I learned some extremely valuable lessons along the way I’d like to share with you below, lessons that will help you overcome the fear of being a bad father!
You must learn to control your temper
If you don’t get a grip on your anger and learn how to reign it in, you will always struggle to be a good dad.
There is no other way to sugar coat it!
I talk extensively about some of the techniques I used to overcome my temper in my book, “Raising Daddy: The Ultimate Quickstart Guide for Expectant Dads”
However, even if you are a guy with a mild temperament, be forewarned that no one on this Earth will set you off like your child.
I’ve known a couple friends who were pretty laid back before they were dads, but unfortunately struggled with fatherhood and became abusive towards their children.
Ultimately, it is on you as a man to find an effective method to control your anger and avoid physically and emotionally abusing your child.
Perfect fathers only exist on television
One of the hardest things to accept when you are a dad, is that you are human and prone to blunders.
The idea that when you make mistakes as a father, it will have negative ramifications for your child, is a heavy burden to shoulder.
I can tell you from my experiences, that is a simple truth no man can avoid.
For some dads, the fear of making a costly decision can turn him into a secondary parent. This is a parent who refuses to accept responsibility for making the tough choices for his child and puts that duty on his or her partner.
This is a cowardly way out for any parent, and you need to avoid this type of mindset at all costs.
Once you accept that you will mess up and make bad choices at times, can you truly move forward and become a great dad.
A big part of this equation is…
The art of self-forgiveness
One of the most valuable lessons I have learned as a father, is how to bury the hatchet with myself.
When I made a poor decision that almost cost my son his life, it took me months to move on from my self-loathing and trust myself again.
Years back, my son hit a tree when he was sledding, because I went against my intuition screaming it was a bad idea. I talked myself into everything being safe because the chance of him hitting the single tree on the hill was so remote.
Even though I had my wife push his sled down the side of the hill far away from the tree, it hit a big bump, dramatically changing the sled’s direction and sent it smashing into the tree.
We rushed my son to the emergency room, filled with dread that he was going to die, but fate smiled kindly on me that day and he ended up being perfectly fine.
That didn’t change how much I hated myself for putting my son in harm’s way and ignoring my fatherly instincts, like a fool.
Ultimately, it is on you as a man to find an effective method to control your anger and avoid physically and emotionally abusing your child.
For months afterwards, I kept reliving the sickening sound of him hitting into the tree, and my wife’s blood curling screams!
I no longer trusted myself to make sound decisions with my children and went into a shell.
Over time my wife and other loved ones were able to talk me into forgiving myself and moving on so I could be a good father once again.
It wasn’t easy, but I learned a valuable lesson about self-forgiveness.
I promised myself to never again ignore my instincts and to always trust my gut.
This is what I call “responsible self-forgiveness” and it is key to being a great dad.
The art of forgiving yourself only works when you take accountability for what you did and learn from it!
Don’t compare yourself to other dads
One of my biggest regrets as a new father, is how often I used to beat myself up for not being like other great dads I knew.
I wanted to emulate them and become this perfect dad just as I envisioned them being with their children.
However, I didn’t have the wisdom at the time to understand they became great fathers over time, but most importantly, they were far from perfect.
Just as I did, you will have to find your own unique way to being a great dad.
Remember, there is more than one way to crack an egg!
Get involved with your child early and always
It’s not a big secret that great dads are always involved in their children’s’ lives.
This involvement with your child should start at the very beginning, with caring for your newborn.
It doesn’t take a rocket surgery degree to learn how to care for a baby. It just takes some initiative and a willingness to learn.
Don’t be the lazy dad that leaves it all to his partner.
Be the proactive dad that teaches his partner about baby care.
Yep, that’s right, be a bad ass and take the lead here!
There is no universal law that says moms are the ones that have to teach dads about baby care.
It can be the other way around…
I know it sounds crazy but trust me on this!
As your child grows, make a conscious effort to stay involved in his life.
Talk to your kid like a friend and learn about his day at school, his friends and what he truly cares about.
Let him know you will always be there to talk to, even if it’s a sensitive subject like sex or drugs.
This is how winning at fatherhood is done my man!
Fatherhood is all about overcoming your fears
Perhaps the biggest lesson I have learned about fatherhood, is that you can’t let fear hold you down.
Being a good dad is all about managing your fears and overcoming them.
However, anxiety is big part of fatherhood that never truly goes away.
New dads worry if they will be able to handle caring for a baby and raising him into a man.
Veteran fathers like me must live with other fears… bullies, drugs, accidents and even losing our child.
You must learn to co-exist with this type of anxiety always hovering in the back of your mind, by focusing on the positive and the things that you can control.
It’s a delicate balance that all good fathers eventually learn to manage, but ultimately this is a challenge all good fathers must overcome!
