Is It Normal for First Time Dads to Be Scared?

I felt my mouth go dry and tried to ignore the dull stabbing pains jolting through my stomach. My body was betraying me and trying to focus on calmly breathing… slowly in and then slowly out… just seemed to make matters worse.

Our obstetrician had just informed my wife that she was going to be induced into labor that evening, and our baby would be born soon!

It felt like I was living some other guy’s life, and I was hoping to wake up from this ridiculous dream and have a good laugh about it.

The only problem was, this was very real, and I felt lied to.

I was told my daughter wasn’t due for another week, what kind of BS was this! 

There was no more time to mentally prepare myself for this life changing moment, and the baby was coming no matter if I was being rational or not!

As I sat in that chilly room in complete shock, I eventually noticed my wife sitting at the edge of the examination table in complete silence. When I asked her if she wanted help getting dressed, she simply nodded her head and barely acknowledged the crack I made about the sexy hospital gown.

As I touched my wife’s skin, it felt clammy, and I could feel her entire body shaking. This entire time I was worried about myself, but I wasn’t the one who was going to have needles stuck in me and a baby head shooting through one of my orifices!

It dawned on me that she was the one who needed the most courage, and I just had to be a rock to lean on when she was in pain or scared.

As we walked to the maternity room, I thought about my favorite quote from Band of Brothers:

“Fear is poison in combat. Something we all felt but you just didn’t show it. You can’t. It’s destructive, and it’s contagious”

Carwood Lipton

While I wasn’t going into combat, I fully understood that I needed to get my nerves under control, or it would spread like a virus and stress my wife while she was in labor.

Fortunately, I was able to hide my rising anxiety when my daughter was born for my wife’s sake, but this was just a small chapter in my ongoing battle with fear.

Fear is a universal bond for all new dads

Just like death and taxes are inevitable, new and expectant fathers can’t fully escape being touched by fear.

Perhaps it will be an uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach, or a full-on bout of terror, but no matter how it manifests inside you, becoming a first-time dad never fails to humble even the bravest of men. 

It’s not just the unknown we must face when being baptized into fatherhood, it is the overwhelming idea that being a father is a lifetime commitment. This isn’t like trying out a new pottery hobby, it is forever!

Until all time…

That is powerful stuff and exactly why the thought of being responsible for another life can shake the hell out of you.

However, I want you to understand that feeling this way is perfectly normal, and it’s ok to be scared. 

I’d be more concerned about your state of mind if you weren’t nervous because this means you haven’t fully grasped the gravity of the situation.

Your fear is a tell-tale sign that you understand having a child is a massive responsibility and your duty as a father never ends.

Take action to reduce your anxiety!

One of the most important ways to reduce the stress of having a baby, is to be proactive.

This could be as simple as researching baby products or taking on extra chores around the house to make your wife or girlfriend’s life easier.

(In my book “Raising Daddy: The Ultimate Quickstart Guide for Expectant Dads”, I go over some extensive ways you can get involved in your partner’s pregnancy and get ready for your baby’s arrival!)

Shortly after I found out my wife was pregnant, my brain was bombarded with worries, and I had a miserable bout of insomnia that lasted for several weeks.

Just me alone, laying in the dark full of dread and wishing I had never agreed to have a baby.

It was a vicious cycle where I wasn’t sleeping or eating well, and I was too exhausted to workout. 

I was under so much pressure, and felt so much unbearable tension throughout my body, that I knew I had to do something before my health started to deteriorate.

The internal agony I was going through had to stop, so I finally confessed to my wife that I was scared as hell about the baby coming.

You know what happened?

I found out my wife was nervous as hell to, and she also desperately wanted to confide in me. 

Ironically, she was afraid to say anything and stress me out!

We both wanted to protect one another from our fears, but in reality, it was making both of us miserable!

Our discussion was a game changer as our feelings were now out in the open, and my wife suggested I start reading some of her maternity books and educating myself.

By absorbing what I could about what was to come with the pregnancy and birth of my daughter, I started to feel more in control of the situation.

And wouldn’t you know it, my worries and insomnia disappeared, and I started to have restful slumbers once again – until the day I found out my daughter was coming early!

You must learn to live with your fears

Here is the kicker about being a dad – you will always have anxiety about being a parent.

I wish to hell I could tell you how things get so much easier as your child gets older, but that would be BS.

You stress about your baby being born healthy, then you stress about how to care for your newborn, then you stress about a medical decision for your ten-year-old… on and on it goes.

Having a child and being responsible for them is an endless loop of worries that never stops!

There isn’t some magic solution that solves the mystery of child-rearing. 

However, it is possible to learn how to manage your anxiety much better as the years go by and you gain the experience and wisdom of a good father.

I am by all regards, a much better dad than I was a decade ago, and fully understand the importance of handling my parental fears in a positive way.

This is because I now trust my judgement and know I can do this father thing. 

If you are a first-time dad, I know it may seem like you will never be a confidant father, but you must be patient with yourself.

When you mess up, forgive yourself and just do better the next time.

With each mistake you make and learn from, you are helping to build a solid foundation that will help you become a great dad!