Postpartum depression in dads is completely normal and nothing to be ashamed of. However, one devastating side effect of this condition may cause a new father to start questioning his attraction towards his partner.
“I’m not having sex with a fat slob!”
Through painful sobs, our friend, Megan, was confessing her boyfriend’s brutal words to my wife just as I had walked into the kitchen.
Megan had given birth several months before this and was now facing an alarming crisis with her boyfriend, who made no bones about his lack of attraction to her.
I knew this was a touchy subject and wanted to help comfort Megan but couldn’t shake the feeling I had just stepped foot into enemy territory. My best attempt at moonwalking out of there was thwarted when my wife fixed her eyes on me and asked, “You never felt that way about me after I was pregnant, right hun?”
This was a classic guy trap!
“Don’t say anything stupid, dude!” I thought to myself…
All I could come up with off the cuff was, “I never called you a fat slob or anything babe…”
The truth was, like many new dads, I was too overwhelmed with our newborn to even care much about sex for the first few postpartum months, and I didn’t recall ever thinking my wife seemed unattractive to me.
There was that glorious moment a few weeks after she gave birth, that my wife accidentally brushed up against me and I liked it! I was also excited to have sex with her again after our baby was around six months, so I was confident I was in the clear!
However, my wife pressed on with her inquisition, “You did find me attractive, naked and all, right?”
I wanted to make a smart-ass comment about baby puke and sleep deprivation but settled on the perfect answer involving words like ‘hottie’, ‘smoke show’ and whatever else sounded sexy enough to prove my desires for her.
My word salad of pure love must have worked as it put a cute smile on my wife’s face. I let out a nervous laugh, thankful I wasn’t about to get an earful because of some other guy’s crime of stupidity.
Unfortunately, the situation with our friend didn’t work out, and she left her boyfriend because he continued to berate her appearance. I wish I could say this was an isolated incident, but I have known various new dads who struggled with waning attraction to their partners when the baby came along.
Temporary Loss of Attraction or Not?
Over the years I have heard various explanations for this lack of postpartum passion, some that made sense to me, and some that made me wonder if the guy had a functioning brain.
The most common reasons given to me were exhaustion and a loss of libido (yes, guys can lose desire for sex to!), seeing the baby come out of their partner’s vagina, and her changed body.
Most of these dads were going through a difficult emotional journey after their child was born and just needed someone to hear them out. I could relate to that feeling of uneasiness, as I had been there before and knew full well how a new father struggles to understand which of these emotions will be temporary or not.
If you are wrestling with similar feelings about your partner after she has given birth, I would urge you to be quite sure of how you feel before approaching her. It is only fair that your partner is made aware that you are no longer attracted to her, but you absolutely must be sure this is something that isn’t temporary.
Once you speak those words to your partner, they will carry a great weight with them, and be out in the universe forever. She will likely never forget what you said and how it made her feel. She will feel ugly, unwanted and unloved. Basically, exactly how you would feel if she uttered those words to you.
Please consider that it is only natural that you may feel bewildered and struggle with seeing your partner in a mother’s role. Many new dads struggle with the idea of their sexual partner as a mom, and may even associate it with their own mother…
“Dude, I don’t want to have sex with my mom!”
I know for myself it was quite odd to see my wife breastfeed when I was used to seeing her breasts in a sexual way.
Watching my newborn sucking on my favorite pair of twins was oddly confusing to witness, as I switched between feelings of jealousy and being weirded out that I kind of did the same thing when my wife and I had sex.
You might have similar feelings, or maybe you might freak out because you saw your baby come out of your partner’s vagina and you can’t get that image out of your head. Perhaps you have a silent fear your partner won’t be able to feel you again or sex will feel different now that a baby’s head popped out of her!
Just as I did, you will have to work through these fears and insecurities. I learned how to compartmentalize my feelings and understand that my wife was quite capable of being both a mother and my lover. Quite simply, it didn’t have to be one or the other.
Unfortunately, another obstacle is that many guys can’t get over their partner’s weight gain during pregnancy. This is a very touchy subject, especially for guys who don’t quite understand a woman will not instantly have her old body back after giving birth.
My wife was a fit and avid runner who gained forty pounds during her first pregnancy with our daughter.
It took her a couple of years to find her groove again and get back on track to feeling and looking like her old self, but I never pressured her to lose weight. I had to let my wife find her own path to where she wanted to be post-pregnancy.
This is something I know many guys struggle with, but it is not your body, and you don’t get to dictate what your partner’s after birth body should look like.
That is her choice, not yours!
I learned how to compartmentalize my feelings and understand that my wife was quite capable of being both a mother and my lover. Quite simply, it didn’t have to be one or the other.
Keep in mind your partner sacrificed her body to carry your child, and if you love her, she deserves your patience and understanding. Far too often, new dads can get wrapped up in our own feelings and don’t realize what our partners are going through postpartum.
Your partner is echoing these same fears, however. She must not only try to live up to the overwhelming expectations of being a new mom, but she is also quite nervous that her vagina may never feel or look the same. Then top all that off with feelings of body shame and imagine being in your partner’s shoes!
As a new dad, you will be battling on many fronts, and you must work through a barrage of fears, worries and insecurities. Try your best to be empathetic towards your partner and find gratitude in the fact that her strength is the primary reason you now have the gift of a child in your life.
Losing your sexual appetite for her in most cases is only going to be a temporary thing, which is why I urge you to give things time.
Within several months to a year after your child is born, you will likely find that old spark returning as life starts to feel normal again. Perhaps the two of you will even have another baby on the way because you couldn’t keep your hands off each other!
