The stress of having a newborn can pit loving couples against each other. Discover how to change your mindset and other insider tips for getting along with your partner during this difficult time.
Before my wife and I had children, we had one of those rare relationships with mutual respect and we rarely fought.
This doesn’t mean we didn’t have our disagreements, as there were times that we did get quite angry with one another.
On one fateful road trip my wife got annoyed that I kept playing the same CD over and over again. When her patience finally ran out, I was warned not to play it anymore or she would toss my cd out the window!
Of course, I had to call her bluff and hit the play button with a sly smile on my face, feeling quite confident she wouldn’t do it…
Moments later my vintage Pearl Jam CD became a beautiful Frisbee as it flew out into Lake Ontario!
I may have pulled the car over and lost my shit, but my wife stood her ground and declared that I “deserved it for being a moron!”
This wasn’t exactly grounds for divorce, but I felt violated and told her what she had done was rude as hell and totally disrespectful.
Then I gave her the silent treatment all the way home, like any mature adult would have done!
The story has a happy ending as my wife did eventually apologize and found a replacement copy of my CD (thanks Ebay!).
The point of all this, is that after being together for five years, this had been the worst incident between us before our daughter was born.
When my wife wasn’t throwing my favorite CD out of a window, we almost always found ways to keep our tempers in check and never fly off the handle with one another.
We essentially mastered the art of forgiveness and talking through our disagreements.
This mutual respect would serve us well as first time parents, because without it, I highly suspect we would have been at each other’s throats on a daily basis.
If I’m being totally honest, after my daughter was born, my wife pissed me off more times in a month than she did in all the prior years we were together – no joke.
There were times I wanted to throw her out a window (just like, a first level window… that was open… onto grass!)
Having a newborn will be the ultimate test with your partner
Let me just get this out of the way right now…
Your partner is going to get on your nerves when your baby comes along!
It doesn’t matter how adorable she is, or how well you two get along pre-baby, even if you love her like no woman before, she will test the hell out of your patience.
Don’t forget that this is a two-way street and she may be having fantasies of suffocating you with a pillow!
Unfortunately, the combination of stress and lack of sleep that comes with taking care of a newborn generates the perfect storm of tension between a couple.
After becoming zombified from only a few hours of sleep every night, your partner might not find those “cute” little things you used to do amusing anymore.
Like farting in bed or hiding her toothbrush!
Becoming first time parents can put a big strain on even the most loving relationship, but turning against your partner will only make your life more miserable.
By the same token, you are going to be annoyed as hell with many things she does that you used to adore.
When my wife talked in her “baby” voice or yawned loudly, I started measuring up how easily she would fit through the window (again, on the first floor!).
It sounds stupid as hell, but shortly after my daughter was born, my wife and I had a huge blowout because I ate a Snickers bar she was hiding (like I didn’t know about that spot!)
Any other time she would have laughed about it, but now I was a heinous Snickers bar thief that deserved to have my hands chopped off!
She literally wouldn’t talk to me until I went to buy her another one.
Who cares if I was too tired to drive!
Unfortunately, even a small issue like this could turn into a massive powder keg if you aren’t mindful of the situation.
How do I avoid fighting with my partner after the baby is born?
It’s going to be rough to hold your tongue when your weary partner snaps at you over a dirty plate in the sink, or when you forget to change a diaper, or any other thing she finds to be angry about.
Other times, you will be the one being curt with her, and sometimes you won’t even know why.
You will just know that you are feeling irritable and she’s the only unlucky soul around you can direct your anger towards.
While my wife and I had some extremely tense moments between us during the first few weeks with our newborn, we eventually learned how to handle our new grumpy personas.
Here are a few tips that we used to keep things amicable between us during this difficult time:
- The power of an apology – I’m not going to lie, I said some pretty dumb stuff to my wife when I was feeling crusty, almost always when I was so sleep deprived that I could barely remember my name.
She in turn snapped at me on multiple occasions as well.
Ultimately, we both never failed to apologize to each other, and this went a long way towards letting any type of animosity build up between the two of us.
- Go for a walk – I did a lot of walking around our neighborhood to cool off when my wife said something hurtful to me, or I was about to say something stupid to her.
Usually by the time I got back from my walk, I was either no longer angry, or my wife was ready to apologize to me.
- Get out of the damn house – one huge source of irritation for my wife and me, was that we were cooped up in our apartment all day. We were afraid to take our baby anywhere because it was winter, but there weren’t any laws keeping us there!
So we started taking walks and even went out to a few restaurants with our baby in tow.
Getting back out in the world made us feel normal again and helped relieve a lot of the tension that we both were feeling.
- Go out as a couple again – When your baby is 2-3 months old, have a trusted loved one look after her while the two of you spend some alone time together again.
Doing this really helped my wife and I reconnect again and remember why we fell in love in the first place!
Becoming first time parents can put a big strain on even the most loving relationship, but turning against your partner will only make your life more miserable.
I realized over time that I would never survive this whole baby thing if I didn’t have my wife on my side. Depending on my attitude, she could be my greatest ally or my worst enemy in the trenches of early parenthood.
The truth was, I loved this woman with a passion, and eventually found other ways to vent without taking things out on her.
I also forced myself to turn the other cheek when she lashed out at me, which had been such a rare occurrence pre-baby.
It really helped my mindset to know that it wasn’t the real her talking, just the sleep deprived version of herself.
Ultimately, so much about having a baby is your mental approach and learning how to handle these new responsibilities and the pressure that comes with them.
Be sure to give you partner plenty of patience and grow thick skin when she lashes out.
Remember that’s just the zombie version of herself saying you are a “selfish scumbag”.
Hopefully!
