Will I Lose My Identity After Becoming a Father?

“How the hell did I turn into a domesticated nerd boy!”

Several years back, I was having a drink with my buddy when he laid this hilarious line down on me.

He had recently had a baby and was finally able to get out for a night of belching and doing manly stuff again, or something like that.

I tried not to laugh at what he said, but I got semi-serious when he asked me if I also turned into a “docile nerd boy” after having kids.

That’s when I explained that doing my share of taking care of my daughter (and later my son), didn’t make me an unmasculine dorkburger.

If anything, it proved that I had “manned up” and not run from fatherhood like other guys.

My friend smiled and seemed more at ease with the idea that he wasn’t going to lose his man card, but our conversation did weigh on me over the next several days.

I never had any deep contemplation about who I was before having a baby, but the self-reflecting became quite interesting.

Having grown up in a pretty rough area, I learned how to handle myself at a young age, and I had also been a pretty hard-nosed hockey player who loved to mix it up.

However, I never thought of myself as one of those tough guys people are afraid to look in the eye. 

Maybe it’s because my mother taught me about compassion and showing kindness towards others or maybe it was because I didn’t live the thug life like some of my close friends.

What the hell was my identity before my kids came along and had I really changed that much?

Did it even matter? I didn’t have a time machine I could jump into…

The world through a father’s eyes

As I sifted through my thoughts, I came to realize that I had definitely changed since becoming a dad.

I concluded that growing up my identity was being a hockey player. 

The game was in my blood, and I lived and breathed the sport on a daily basis.

My entire life had revolved around hockey and so much of my self-esteem and self-worth was deeply rooted in how well I played.

By the time my first born came along (my daughter), I was no longer playing competitive hockey, but I still played in various leagues for “older” players.

However, I mostly gave up hockey to care for my daughter, and only returned to playing casually as she got older.

I had to focus on what was truly important to help me become a good dad and to this day I have never had a moments regret.

Now my identity is about being a father, one who still loves hockey, but I don’t place my self-worth in how I play the game anymore.

My priorities have shifted in life and now I see the world through the prism of fatherhood.

Even driving through my old neighborhood recently, I no longer viewed it with a sense of nostalgia, but as a dangerous and crime ridden area that would put my children in harm’s way.

Becoming a dad placed me in the role of a protector and that was now a part of who I was.

The delicate balance of fatherhood

The trick to being a good dad, is being a happy dad.

If you are miserable, I guarantee that sorrow and despair will eventually turn itself on your child.

He will become a victim of your misery, no matter how hard you try to shield him from it.

It’s as inevitable as death and taxes, please believe me on this.

That is why you must find an equilibrium in your new role as a father, without losing your old identity that made you happy in your pre-baby life.

In my case, I was able to pass my love of hockey onto my daughter and teach her how to skate and play the game.

I was lucky in that sense and able to marry fatherhood with my passion for hockey.

Now your child may not be into your passions and hobbies, but that doesn’t mean you should abandon them altogether. 

Whether you are into card collecting, photography, playing the guitar or whatever it is you identify yourself with, you must leave room in your life for the things that bring you joy!

Why the early days of fatherhood lack wisdom

Going back to my buddy’s despair about losing his sense of self, he was worried because truth be told, he lacked the insight of a veteran father.

When you are living in the moment and have little experience with fatherhood, it can be difficult to see any light at the end of the tunnel.

You may feel lost and unsure of how you will handle this new role in your life, which is compounded by the reality that it is going to be a lifelong and permanent change.

However, please keep in mind that struggling to redefine your self-image is quite common with new and expectant fathers.

You must find an equilibrium in your new role as a father, without losing your old identity that made you happy in your pre-baby life.

I was certainly in that boat when my daughter was born and had my struggles with new dad depression.

The jump into fatherhood can be a massive shock and there will be days that you feel depressed and trapped into this unfamiliar life.

Every dad I know of has gone through these emotions and felt like they were no longer the same person anymore.

It can be a frightening experience trying to forge a new identity for yourself and fearing the loss of who you used to be.

Just remember that the old you is still inside there, it just takes time to figure out this whole father thing and blend the old with the new.

The big secret here is that you are about to gain the kind of love that you have never experienced before. The kind of powerful, earth-shattering love that will make you want to become a better man and give thanks to the universe every day that you get to spend with your child!